The Regrets I Have About Choosing Solo Motherhood & What That Taught Me
By: Candice Katherine Febrile
When people ask if I regret becoming a solo mother by choice, my answer is simple:
No.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets! They just aren’t the ones people expect. Because I don’t regret choosing donor conception. I don’t regret doing this without a partner. I don’t regret raising my children in a home built on intention instead of obligation.
What I do regret… is how long it took me to finally trust myself and follow my heart.
I regret not doing it sooner.
I spent years waiting. Waiting to see if a relationship would work. Waiting to see if I’d meet someone. Waiting for the timing to feel perfect. Waiting because I thought I should. But underneath all of that waiting, there was a part of me that already knew… I wanted to have another baby. I was capable and I didn’t need permission.
If you’re reading this and you feel that subtle knowing, don’t ignore it for years like I did. Time moves whether you take steps or not.
I regret prioritizing other people’s opinions over my own.
This one is harder to admit… I cared deeply about how this would look. About what people would say. Whether they’d think I was selfish. Whether they’d assume something was wrong with me for not “having a partner.” I let imagined criticism take up space in decisions that were deeply personal.
Here’s what I’ve learned: The people who judge you won’t be raising your baby. They won’t fund your fertility treatments. They won’t sit beside you in the clinic waiting room. And once your child is here? Most of that noise disappears. You are the one who has to live your life. Not them!
I regret not buying more vials to guarantee donor siblings.
This one is practical and it stings… When you’re in the early stages of choosing a donor, everything feels theoretical. You don’t know if the first cycle will work. You don’t know if you’ll even want more children. Buying multiple vials feels expensive and excessive. But if there’s even a small chance you’ll want siblings genetically connected through the same donor, buy more than you think you’ll need, if it’s financially possible. I never considered that availability would change, programs close, and donors sell out. No one talks enough about how real that regret can feel later.
I regret feeling shame about grieving the “traditional” family I thought I was supposed to have.
This was the most confusing for me because I chose this path intentionally and pretty confidently… and yet, there were moments of grief. Grief that I wouldn’t experience pregnancy inside a loving partnership. Grief that my kids wouldn’t grow up in the version of family I had imagined. Grief that holidays might not look like a Hallmark movie.
For a long time, I felt embarrassed about that grief. How could I mourn something I chose not to pursue? But here’s the truth: You can choose something with your whole heart and still grieve what you were conditioned to believe was “ideal.” Grief doesn’t mean you made a mistake, and it doesn’t mean you secretly want something else. It just means you’re human… Once I allowed myself to feel that, instead of shaming it? It faded.
I regret not finding community sooner.
In the beginning, I tried to do this privately. At the time, I didn’t realize how much easier this journey feels when you’re surrounded by women walking the same path. There is something powerful about sitting across from someone who gets it, without explanation. The clinic appointments, the financial planning, the emotional waves, the weird comments from strangers, the way your confidence grows in layers… Community doesn’t just offer support, it normalizes your experience. And that normalization reduces fear.
If you’re considering solo motherhood right now, here’s what I want you to know:
Regret doesn’t come from choosing this path. Regret comes from delaying your truth. From outsourcing your decisions. From shrinking yourself to fit someone else’s comfort level. Every life path has trade-offs. Traditional families do, too. They just don’t always share their struggles publicly.
Solo motherhood is not a backup plan! It’s not a last resort, and it’s not something to whisper about. For me, it became the most aligned decision of my life. Not because it was easy, not because it was perfect… but because it was mine. That changes everything!
Founder, The Keep Him Movement
Considering solo motherhood: The Free Clarity Checklist
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