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The parent-child relationship is full of conversations, many of which there are no scripts for. When it comes to telling your child that they were conceived with the help of donor sperm, it can be tough to know how to start the conversation, what to say, or when to say it. It makes sense that you’ll want to communicate all the right messages when you talk to your child about where they came from. Rest assured, if you approach these conversations with love, patience, and age-sensitive verbiage, you’ll help develop a secure and safe space for your child to learn about a piece of their identity. 

Why Should You Have the Donor Talk?

Some parents of donor-conceived children wonder if they should disclose this information at all. However, time-backed research strongly advocates for honesty. Children benefit from knowing their origins early in life rather than discovering them later, which can lead to feelings of betrayal or confusion about identity. Openness fosters trust and security in the parent-child relationship. Children who grow up in environments learning they are donor-conceived early turn into happy, healthy adults. While it can feel like a challenging conversation to bring up, to say it’s a crucial one is an understatement.

Donor conception is not a one-time conversation. Just like adoption or any significant topic, it should be an ongoing dialogue that evolves with the child’s understanding. Instead of thinking about how to share this information in one fell swoop, it can be helpful to consider ways you can weave it into everyday life, to establish that it’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Rather, it’s a neutral piece of information. 

Bringing up donor conception early helps a child feel calm and curious about the topic, instead of like there is something to tiptoe around. It can also be a lot for just one conversation, which puts pressure on the parent to say the perfect thing. Having many talks and an open-door policy around the topic means it can expand with age. 

When Should You Have the Donor Talk?

Experts recommend starting the conversation as early as possible, ideally in toddlerhood or early childhood. This allows the child to integrate the information naturally over time. Beginning the conversation after your child hits puberty could cause confusion around their identity and distrust; it’s recommended to start these exchanges sooner rather than later. 

How to Use Age-Appropriate Language

Age-appropriate language helps tailor the conversation to the stage your child is currently in so they can best comprehend the material. In early childhood, use simpler language. You can incorporate storybooks or analogies to explain conception. When you have these conversations, focus on the love you have for your child, and that a donor was a helpful part of how they came to be.

As your child grows, you can provide more details as they are ready. At this point, you can explain what a donor is, and the differences between them and a parent. Reassure your child that being donor-conceived is normal and common, and families come into existence in many ways. 

In your child’s teen years, they will typically have more questions about their identity and genetics. Offer to support them if they want more information. They may ask about contacting the donor or biological siblings. If the donor is unknown, you can respond by reassuring them that you may not have all the information but there are ways to learn more and you will provide support.

Using the Right Language

How you speak about the topic of donor conception matters and it can be helpful to make sure that the people in your child’s life are on the same page about how to respond to questions or what to call the donor. Here are some tips for terms and content to include in your conversations. 

• Normalize that families are made in different ways. Biology is not what makes a family—love is.
• Highlight the intention that your child was deeply wanted.
• Refer to the donor as someone who helped bring them into the world and use the term “donor.”

Children are naturally curious and full of questions. A common question that can come up around donor conception is, “Why don’t I have a dad or mom like my friends?” A clear and simple response that emphasizes your love could be, “Families come in all shapes and sizes. Our family was made with the help of someone to bring you into the world.”

Have the Conversation Often

To ensure the conversation is neutral or positive, it’s up to you to first bring it up, rather than waiting for your child to start asking questions. Encouraging an ongoing, open dialogue is crucial. Let your child know they can ask questions anytime and that their feelings, whether positive, neutral, or uncertain, are completely valid. 

Each child will process their donor conception story differently. It can help to be supportive during emotional responses or questions around identity. With emotional responses, reassure children that the fact they are donor-conceived does not change the love and bond they share with their family. Some may want to explore more information about the donor, while others may not feel the need.

Use Stories and Cultural References to Normalize Being Donor-Conceived

Stories can help young children better contextualize information. Children’s books like Cory Silverberg’s What Makes a Baby help children learn about their experiences, and normalize that they are shared among other families. 

As a part of talking about donor conception, it can help to introduce your children to other kids who are donor-conceived or mention famous people who used donor sperm or eggs to make their families. There are also groups for donor-conceived families and support groups for parents who have donor-conceived children. 

Being donor-conceived is just one part of your child’s story. However, everyone wants to know how they came to be. Having these conversations early and often can help your child feel a sense of ease around the topic. Approaching donor conversations with love and support, while reinforcing your child’s belonging is the most important part.